Sonnets for my Savior #1

Change

 

I’m trapped in my own sin.
Willfully stagnate and hidden from light.
There is nothing in me that can make my wrongs right.
Against my flesh I can not win.

I’m lost and can’t find my way.
I’m sick and can’t be healed.
The sins I bury will inevitably be revealed.
Who can turn this night into day?

Jesus, my Lord and Savior can find me.
His sacrifice the price for my inadequacy.
His death in mortal flesh gives my spirit eternal life.

Because of Jesus, my Lord and Savior, I am free.
My sanctification he produces patiently.
With him in my heart, I am at last made right.

 

Note: I’ve never claimed to be a poet. This is designed to do a few things: First and foremost, it’s designed to praise God. Please let these sonnets be a tribute used to glorify him. Don’t let me be like the Pharisees of old, making a show so that I might look pious. Instead, please let this be a tribute to Jesus, and through him, the God of all. Second, in considering what to do to continue testimony, I wanted to do something that would glorify him by helping me grow.  Some of my favorite parts of scripture are in Psalm. The idea is to grow in Christ by growing in this skill with which he’s blessed me. I’m still not certain I’ll continue this path. Again, I don’t want this to become a false show of faith, but rather, a genuine praise of him and artistic show of the gospel.

 

That said, I’d appreciate feedback from any poets who might read this. As I write these, I’d like to grow.  I think this is technically sound.  I’m think it would get an A in a class for structure, but I’m not sure how effective it is.  Your help to grow here would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading,

Matt

Testimony: My Trial of Faith as My Mom Struggled With Cancer Part 20

See Part 1 here.

See Part 2 here.

See Part 3 here.

See Part 4 here.

See Part 5 here.

See Part 6 here.

See Part 7 here.

See Part 8 here.

See Part 9 here.

See Part 10 here.

See Part 11 here.

See Part 12 here.

See Part 13 here.

See Part 14 here.

See Part 15 here.

See Part 16 here.

See Part 17 here.

See Part 18 here.

See Part 19 here.

 

The Appointment

My sister, mother, and I loaded ourselves into the car. We got to the hospital, and my sister took us to get some blood work for Mom first to make sure we didn’t get slowed down in case they wanted more recent results than we’d had.

It was actually a quick process. We were in and out before I could finish a game of Sudoku. We then walked around to the actual treatment area.  We got to the desk, where they informed us the copay for this treatment would be somewhere around $300.

I confess this to you all: I was standing there with my mom, who had cancer, and when they listed that price, I worried.  What a horrible thing! I worried about the money I’d already spent flying down, the money it cost to fly back up, and I even worried about this ring I had planned to buy.

I asked if the copay was required before treatment.  I asked if my father could pay it at a later time.  Here I was balking at a few hundred dollars.  It wasn’t until the woman at the counter said it wasn’t an issue that I felt the shame. How dare I? How dare I think of myself and my bank account in a situation like this.

Strangely, that shame was quickly followed by a thought.  God always provides. What am I worried about? I wondered.

Here I am, still under the belief that God can cure my mom of cancer, but he can’t make sure I have money to do things?  What a ludicrous thought.  I’m not saying people should just spend willfully without thought or sense to a budget.  But we should always give to those in need.  I say again, the Bible is quite clear on this. We should give freely to those in need.

“You shall give to him freely, and your heart shall not be grudging when you give to him, because for this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in all that you undertake,” Deuteronomy 15:10.

For those who want to argue the conflict between the Old and New Testament, let’s look at what the New Testament says on the matter:

“Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work,” Corinthians 9:6-8.

I paid the money, and I still feel ashamed for how I let my thoughts dwell on the aforementioned, selfish wants I had at a time like this. This event taught me something: I’m not a cheerful giver.  I used to be. When my circumstances were better, and I had a generous amount of money in my bank account, I gave freely without a single worry in my mind.

Since I’ve transitioned and pumped a ton of money into my dream to be a published author, I’m less secure. Now, I do and give, having to remind myself that God always provides. Here’s some more fuel to this fire. I never think about money when I go to a movie. I eat at the same restaurant every Friday. I buy caffeinated beverages whenever I struggle to stay awake.

I’ve made it my new goal to remember the man I was when I was much better off because God will always provide. I’m not rich, but I’m blessed already because I’m probably still a bit more stable than some other people I know because I’ve always tried to live far below my means. Once I climb out of the debt I’m in, I think I’ll be even more stable.

The point isn’t that I paid. The point isn’t that I did the right thing or even that I did it because I knew it was right. The point is that I wasn’t a cheerful giver. I felt the temptation to horde and cling, and that was an alarming realization.

After we paid the fee, my sister called our dad to let him know we were about to begin. Mom overheard and finally realized what had happened.

She’s hard to understand these days. What I remember about that conversation is how mad she was. “They’re liars,” she said.  “I’m done!”

That got my attention. My sister and I talked to Mom together to explain that nothing had changed.  We still intended for her to get the treatment, meet with the cancer team, and then get back to Yuma as soon as my father could finish up the work at the house.

We let her know that we weren’t worried about the money.  That calmed Mom down, and shortly after that, she was in the treatment center getting her first dose of the new treatment plan.

I met with the liaison during the treatment. It was my only chance to get a medical opinion on where things stood. She was the one who told me no matter what the problem or issue since that last visit to the emergency room, this treatment would address it.

She even did something I felt thankful for. My flight left right in the middle of everything. She told me my sister could put me on speaker phone so I could listen in on the meeting.

Therefore, after I said my goodbyes and got through airport security, I waited for my sister to call and let me listen in. It was a bit of a relief having everyone able to ask questions or make comments. Our first worry was the possible effect this treatment might have on my mom, and the team (through one person I think is the liaison), told us there weren’t any immediate concerns with this treatment. My mind shifted then to the plan.

“So we’re going to do a treatment. Then Mom can go home until it’s time for the next treatment (about two weeks apart).  We’ll do three treatments before we check on the tumor again.”

The doctors confirmed that was the plan.

I flew home, and the first thing I did when I got back was send a text. Mom seemed fine.  The next day, Mom seemed a bit more mobile and clear.

Things looked well for the next few weeks, but the trial wasn’t over, and things were about to take another turn.

 

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Questions and Revelations

 

You seriously thought about not paying?

If I’m being nice to myself, what I was looking to do was verify if I was the one who had to do it. I was a coward who’d seen a wolf creeping up on the sheep. I’d be willing to fight it off, but only if there weren’t any other options. I do this far more than I feel I should. Oh, something has to be done? Can anyone else do it? Can anyone else bear this burden I don’t want to bear. I mean, sure, I’ll do it if I can’t find anyone else, but I’d really rather someone else handle it.

This is why I find myself remembering that God sent his son to die for my sins.  Jesus, willingly sacrificed himself for my sins.  They didn’t balk and look around hoping someone would come along and grant us salvation.  They didn’t even discuss it.

They did what they did out of endless, joyful love for us. So why complain or balk when any ask for something that isn’t, “Hey, would you mind dying for my sins?”

At this point, I still have to remind myself. When I feel doubt, I tell myself, “God always provides.”

Did God provide?

Yes! I’m fine! I even bought that ring I mentioned. Heck, I bout a freaking Kindle (the lowest-priced one). What the heck was I worried about? The answer was simple. I had, and I didn’t want to have less. What a selfish, sinful thought.

We all face this from time to time, and I don’t want anyone to think it wasn’t at least something to give. I’m of the opinion that those who do give, even begrudgingly, are still blessed. However, I don’t think those blessings are as great as those who give cheerfully.  I’m glad I paid the money. I just feel thankful that I’ve come to realize how miserly and selfish I have become.

Don’t just give when you have so much more to give. Don’t be generous at just those times in which you have so much to give you honestly don’t  know what to do with the rest. If I have $2, and someone needs one, I’ll give it.  Currently, I’ll have to remind myself not to worry. I’ll have to remind myself not to be selfish.  I aspire to simply give without any thought or worry at all. This is what I ask others to pray for at this point. Pray that I have a cheerfully generous heart. I give because I know it’s right, but I want to be happy when I do it. I want to do it without “hoping” or “wondering” if “God’s going to take care of me.”

That leaves me to what I want to conclude with.  I think a lot of people know this verse: “The lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Until quite recently, I had been reading that to mean. “The Lord is my leader, but I don’t really want to be led.”  I thought it was a statement on the hardened hearts of people and how they resist. I thought it was a reminder that we should want to be led.

Well, that’s true.  We should want to be led.  But I’ve seen a few other translations, and I want to share that with you all.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I will never be in need.” That’s from the Contemporary English Version.

But you said the Bible is accurate!

What I said was the Bible was accurately transcribed. From Greek text to Greek text, through the generations, the Bible is remarkably accurate. Translation is a different matter.  This is why reading other translations of the Bible. (New International version, King James Version, New American Standard Bible (which I plan to buy when I read the Bible again) are those I think should be compared from time to time.) I’d love to learn Greek one day so that I can read the New Testament in it’s Greek.  For now, I tend to listen to John MacArthur audiobooks, where he explains some of the Greek words and their connotations.

Back to my point. For the longest time I had a negative view on the lesson from Psalm 23:1.  The message isn’t that we should trust in God even if we don’t want to. It’s that we should trust in God because if we do, we will have all we need.

I’m seeing it in my life now. I’ve seen it before. I’m not over this hump. I’m of the option that there are two major sins I want to sanctify from my life at this point: the sin of pride, and the sin of worry.

Yes, worry is a sin. Jesus tells us in a plain, direct command not to worry.

These two sins of mine, these thorns in my flesh, cause me to grumble at work when I think I’m doing more than others. They cause me to lament giving money (I didn’t say loan). They cause me to be selfish with my time.

I’ve come to the belief that these bad habits are rooted in my sins of pride and worry. My current plan? Humble myself, and give. My intent is to start looking for tasks to do. I’m not worried about which of my coworkers is doing what. Ok, I am, but my efforts are in the spirt that if I keep doing this, I’ll improve.

To be clear, my actions are correct, but only God can cleanse these sins from me, and I ask that those reading this pray for him to do so. Free me from my pride and worry so that I might do the work of my hands and give cheerfully.  The actions I’m taking are to give me the opportunity, so that when God calls, I find myself answering by doing that which I know I’m supposed to do and find joy in doing so.

If you have other questions regarding my faith or thoughts or actions at this point, feel free to ask, and I’ll add them to the blog.  I try to ensure these passages are self reflective. My chaplain told me to take this opportunity to look at myself, but at the moment, those were the only real thoughts going through my mind. Questions might help me remember other thoughts or parts of The Bible I’d overlooked while typing this post.

Thanks for reading

Matt

Testimony: My Trial of Faith as My Mom Struggled With Cancer Part 16

See Part 1 here.

See Part 2 here.

See Part 3 here.

See Part 4 here.

See Part 5 here.

See Part 6 here.

See Part 7 here.

See Part 8 here.

See Part 9 here.

See Part 10 here.

See Part 11 here.

See Part 12 here.

See Part 13 here.

See Part 14 here.

See Part 15 here.

Praise  and Doubt

I was on a high the day after Mom was taken to the hospital.  My work actually has a weekly lunchtime Bible study group. I had the chance to tell my coworkers things weren’t quite that bad. We studied the book of Romans. I’d also been looking for more fellowship in my life.  A coworker of mine goes to a different church, but his men’s group meets on a day that fits my schedule, so I rushed home from work to change and head to that.

It was a blast. I’m told that’s not a normal men’s group, but man was it fun.  It was a praise session with music, testimony, and a guest speaker. I sang my heart  out and listened about how one needs to be open to letting God work through them.  It was so much fun and so needed.

What I didn’t know is that my sister and brother in law had been trying to call me.  My phone never rang. I never got any messages. I went to bed, and I went to work the next morning still feeling like things were great. I knew the MRI was scheduled and should have been done, but I didn’t get any news. I didn’t want to push, so I waited.

At about the middle of my morning the next day, I saw a text from my sister.

“Did I do something wrong?”

I had no idea what she was talking about.  “No, why on Earth would you wonder that?”

Not having any clue what was going on, I waited for an explanation, but received nothing.  When I sat down to lunch, I knew I had a  bit more time, so I sent another text.

“Still not sure why you think I would think you did something wrong.”

“I tried calling,” she replied. “You didn’t answer. I tried texting. No reply. At least not up until now. Matt, I’m not in a good place right now. I’m getting some rest, and then I gotta spend time with my kids. It has just been an emotional roller coaster, and I’m full of saying all the wrong things or the right things but at the wrong time. So I’m again going to take a nape, wake up, spend time with kids, and hope for a better day than it has be the last couple.”

I was baffled.  I explained to her that I never got a call from either her or her husband. I didn’t have a missed call notification or anything.  This is still a mystery, but I’ll hand my phone to whoever wants to see it.

Knowing things were clearly not going well, I called.

This is where things get complicated. My sister said that the MRI didn’t go well. The surgeon had told the family that the tumor had grown. It was too large on which to operate.  They were talking about other options, and my sister wasn’t sure if another round of anything was what Mom would want.  You can imagine how others might feel at a time like that.

I explained that we’re a family, and what we need to do most is focus on thinking about what Mom needs. She wasn’t sure. She was worried what to do. She was worried how the rest of the family was reacting.

During the conversation, I kept my composure. I wanted to be supportive and listen.  This has become my new focus at any point in dealing with my family.  Listen, and be supportive.

The second I hung up, the tears came.  I fell to my knees crying, but I knew what the right thing to do was.

When we suffer, we praise God.

I folded my hands in prayer and quoted Job 1:21, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

I felt Job was a very appropriate piece of scripture to turn to. But I still couldn’t do much more than cry, so I went to another verse, Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

I didn’t quote either verbatim.  With Jeremiah, I wasn’t even thinking of the right book. I thought I was quoting Isaiah until I looked it up again.  I was stabbing the Sword of the Spirit into my doubt and fear.

None of that changed the fact that I felt it was time to go home.

Let me be clear on something. I’ve told my family this, and I feel the same in my heart. The only member of the family that everyone loves is my mother.   She’s the only one I guarantee every single member loves without question or reservation.

Everyone involved is doing the best they can based on the information they have and how they perceive it.  The fact is, I know that’s true. But what I knew in that moment was my Mom wasn’t in great shape. My sister was worried, and with good reason.  The guy who performed the first surgery on my mother said things looked bad. I think the reason I’m able to listen and be supportive is because that’s all I have to worry about. I don’t have any power in this situation, so all I can do is collect information and offer an ear when it’s needed.

The very co-worker and friend with whom I went to the men’s group, Keith, was there when I got the call and fell to tears. He waited for me to finish, and then offered me a prayer as well. I can’t express what that means to me.  I was ready to do whatever was needed, but I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was, so I  went to the command chaplain.

We talked for a while, and he said the best idea was to get over there if for no other reason than to learn first-hand what was going on.

It’s what I wanted to do anyway, so I was happy to hear that advice. The problem was I was in the middle of an iteration of class.  I went to talk to the chief in charge of our class.   He wasn’t sure why I hadn’t already left. I talked to each member of the team I work with and a few other coworkers.

Readers, I can’t express to you how supportive they were. They offered hugs and kind words. They offered to drive me to the airport. They put together a plan that would let me get back home and do whatever I could.

I drove home and bought the ticket. I didn’t want to be a distraction, but I also didn’t want to be a surprise. I asked Elise, a coworker of mine whom I consider a confidant and a sort of Christian adviser. She thinks a lot like I do, and since we talk a lot, I wanted her opinion.

She advised me to call.  The distraction my pending visit might be wasn’t that big a deal.  I agreed. My family need to know I was coming to support them.  I’m still not being completely truthful yet, so I have to explain the rest of the process.

I called Elise to see if I should call my brother-in-law (and best friend). I didn’t want him or my sister working to figure out how to pick me up around their schedule and whatever was going to happen with Mom. Since I thought I’d be staying there, I asked Elise about calling my brother.

I called him. He explained what he knew. I made sure he knew I was coming, but that I’d figure out how to get from the airport to his house.

I then asked him if I should tell everyone.  Again, I didn’t want my arrival to be a bother. He encouraged me to tell everyone else, so I sent a quick text.  Somewhere in there, I found out that Mom was about to be released and taken all the way to Yuma.

I called my sister to figure out when she was driving to Yuma, and we worked out the trip down, but now there was the issue on where to stay.  Do we stay at the in-laws (my best friend’s family) or with Dad.  I knew I’d be there eventually, but I wouldn’t get to Yuma until 1 a.m., and that’s just a stupid time to get anywhere, especially when there’s a lot of emotional stuff going on.

I called my Dad next. I let him know I was coming. We talked a bit more, and I could already see the friction in the situation. My sister’s concerns that Mom might not want another round of treatment were opposite my Dad’s belief that we weren’t there yet, and that this next round of treatment was the right plan.

Once again, there is not right or wrong in this scenario. The bigger problem is when people start picking sides. I’ve told my father and sister this, but I had this serious actual thought in my head where he and my sister (Mom’s powers of attorney) start this giant legal battle over this decision.  Both have since assured me that’s not the case, and I wasn’t exactly in my most rational state, but I was still horrified that a family that wasn’t that united to begin with was about to shatter to a point that couldn’t be healed.

The fact that they’ve assured me we won’t end up in some nightmarish legal battle doesn’t eliminate the general fear I had that our family’s already fragile state was near a breaking point. My plan: Stick to the plan! Listen! Be supportive!

Jay, Elise’s husband and a friend of mine in his own right, took me to the airport.  We talked bout the right thing to do.  Rather, we talked about what he knew to do. Pray, and read the scripture.  I didn’t have a clue how to support anyone, especially when there were still (in my mind) two very distinct sides.  My sister didn’t want to casually let Mom go any more than my dad wanted to put his wife through any necessary pain.  I knew that then, and I know that now.

So I got to the airport and thought to ask my chaplain to send some verses my way to ponder what’s going on.

He sent:

Romans 8:30-39, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Philippians 4:11-19, Job 1 and 2, 2 Corinthians 4, Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, Psalm 33:20 (which I’d already read and loved), and Matthew 11:28-29.

I immediately started highlighting them.  I read each over and over again. I have other verses in my Bible highlighted, and I added them to the routine.  Somehow, James 1:5-6 fell in front of me.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

It continues in verse 7-8, “That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

I realized something while reading that. I was feeling doubt when I shouldn’t. I’d prayed to God to take care of my Mom, and he will.  The issue I felt was my responsibility was to to take care of my family.  They needed support. I felt in that moment that God was calling me to go home, not to worry about my mom, but instead to keep my family united.

It was still an incredibly intimidating task.

 

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Questions and Revelations

What are the other verses?

I hope you ask yourself this. If you did, I’m glad. Let me share all of those verses with you because they helped me, and I hope they’re of help to you when you face something like this.

Job 1 and 2 are chapters. They’re powerful. I took the most comfort from the very verse I quoted (badly) when I called my sister.  I’m not comfortable posting entire chapters of the Bible here, but I’d recommend the book of Job to any who feels they’ve suffered. Often when I feel I’m suffering, I think of Job and Christ. My entire family and livelihood haven’t been taken, and I’m certainly not being crucified. However bad my situation is, it’s not that bad.

Psalm 33:20-22: “We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”

If that verse looks familiar, it’s because I read it a few days prior and mentioned it in the previous segment of this testimony. I think when a certain verse keeps popping up, the person encountering it should pay particular attention. It reminds me to trust in God. I don’t know his plan. I don’t know how things will go, but I know God will provide. I’ve put my hope in Him.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2: Most of you probably are already familiar with the words even if you don’t know their real origin. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot.”

I might not get what I want out of this situation, but all things happen for my good, and they happen when they’re supposed to happen. This is what I took from that verse.

Matthew 11:28-29: “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and  humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Romans 8:30-39: “And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all–how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died–more than that, who was raised to life–is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: ‘For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all the things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

While comforting in that time because it reminds me that God and Jesus love us no matter what, that verse is also affirming for my salvation, a thing which some Christians unfortunately believe can be lost.  If you are saved (and you should take a hard look at that), you’re saved. Nothing will take that salvation from you.

2 Corinthians 4 is another entire chapter.

2 Corinthians 12:9:  “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

And THAT verse is what I turn to when I set myself to a task (like that with my family) I don’t feel I’m suited for.  God equips us for our tasks in life. He provides what we need to do his will. His grace is all we need.

Why is keeping your family together such a daunting task in your mind?

That will be the subject of my next testimony. Short version, we haven’t been united in a very long time.

If you have other questions regarding my faith or thoughts or actions at this point, feel free to ask, and I’ll add them to the blog.  I try to ensure these passages are self reflective. My chaplain told me to take this opportunity to look at myself, but at the moment, those were the only real thoughts going through my mind. Questions might help me remember other thoughts or parts of The Bible I’d overlooked while typing this post.

Thanks for reading

Matt

Testimony: My Trial of Faith as My Mom Struggled With Cancer Part 15

See Part 1 here.

See Part 2 here.

See Part 3 here.

See Part 4 here.

See Part 5 here.

See Part 6 here.

See Part 7 here.

See Part 8 here.

See Part 9 here.

See Part 10 here.

See Part 11 here.

See Part 12 here.

See Part 13 here.

See Part 14 here.

Comatose

I was about halfway through my work day when I realized I had a text from my sister telling me to call when I can.

I did so, hoping it was good news; it wasn’t.

She told me they were airlifting my mother to Phoenix. She was essentially comatose. We didn’t speak long because she was on her way to the hospital.  She asked my brother-in-law to keep me in the loop.  I told her I loved her.

After I hung up, I knelt down and prayed.

My thoughts taunted me. She was supposed to be better. The treatment was over. Things were supposed to be looking up.

Honestly, even then I knew how presumptuous the thoughts were.

I may not be perfect. I’m horrifically flawed and shamefully hypocritical more often than not. But I know now the right thing to do at all times: Praise God.

We’re all to happy to pray when we get what we want, and that’s good. But people tend to think of God like some sky-dwelling genie.  He isn’t. Our heavenly father is our sovereign Lord. He’s loving, and he gives endlessly, but endlessly doesn’t necessarily denote “without judgment” or, more importantly, “without regard for our well-being.” People lose site of that.

After a few days, I learned some of the details, and I feel like I should share that. Please note, this is a retelling of a retelling, but the essential facts are verified by those who were there.

My family has two dogs. Killian and Lucky.  Why two? Well, Killian is a handful, so my parents decided to get a second dog in the hopes that a playmate and sibling would help calm Killian down.  That trick did more for my family than calm down an overly-playful dog.

On the day in question, Lucky, who has a habit of standing vigil around my mom, noticed something wasn’t right. He came out and stared down my dad. After a moment, Lucky went back into my mother’s room only to come right back out.

That got my dad’s attention.  Because this dog got my dad’s attention, my father found my mom and got her to the hospital.  Dad since told me that, had that not happened, it would have been at least an hour before he knew what was going on.

I have an affinity for dogs.  That affinity is only stronger after hearing that story.

At that moment though, I didn’t know the details of what happened, and, more importantly, I didn’t know how my mother was.

I spoke with my boss, who so kindly let me go home to track what was happening. I spoke with a few coworkers who’ve been with me from the beginning.  If I’m being honest, my coworkers are all acting like a bunch of superheroes during this time. I sent my girlfriend a text letting her know what was going on.  Then I went home.

I was numb. I was tired. I couldn’t find the command chaplain before I left, so I was also spiritually drained.

So what do you do when you don’t know what to do? You pray, and you read scripture.  I was tempted to try and keep my day normal. I didn’t want to seem to be trying to B.S. God like some scolded child who just wants to look like he learned his lesson, but I knew God would know my heart.

I started by reading the Bible. I’m in Psalms now, and as I read, I found more and more scripture that gave me more and more strength.

Psalm 40:16 “But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, ‘The Lord is Great!'”

Psalm 46:1-3 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”

Psalm 57:1 “Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.”

I read like a man dying of thirst handed a river. I must have read 20 chapters (though I confess the Psalm chapters are very short).

My weariness started to take a hold of me. I was hungry, but I didn’t want to stop.

That’s when I jumped on the computer and purchased the streaming version of The Bible T.V. series.  I watched that while I ate. I switched back and forth, making sure every moment I could stay awake was centered on reading the scripture, praying, and focusing on God.

Eventually, (and this was still pretty early) I was too tired to do much.  I sent my brother-in-law a text letting him know I was going to go to sleep.  He’s three hours away from me, so the odds of me getting news at a normal hour were unlikely.

I prayed. I prayed knowing others were praying. I don’t think I know how many prayed for us that night.  I hope more of you pray for us.

I read even more of the Bible, highlighting verses that gave me courage and hope.  Then I closed my eyes.

Less than 20 minutes after I told my brother I was resting, I got a text back.

“Holding pattern for now,” he said.

My mom had been having some difficulties on occasion. We weren’t quite sure what was happening, but we knew steroids were helping.  When she was on them, she was more lucid and easier to understand. When they took her off them or tried to cut down the dosage, she’d take a turn for the worse.

If any of you are wondering the obvious question, I was too, but I’m not a doctor, and I don’t have enough information to explain anything.  But I wondered.  I felt anger, but I also felt joy because as soon as they started giving her the medication, she started regaining mobility and coming out of that terrifying state.

It was a night of prayer and Bible study. God’s grace allowed us to regain a bit of footing. The doctors decided to do my mother’s all important MRI one day sooner.

I was honestly overjoyed. I went to work the next day talking bout how it worked out, and it did.

But the MRI would deal another blow.

 

 

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Questions and Revelations

Why those verses?

I’m still not sure how much I read and highlighted. It felt like more than I showed you, and it gave me a chance to share some of those verses on my other social media platforms. Those are just the ones I found in the neighborhood I knew to look.  When I started this journey, before this tragedy began, I was reading about a chapter a night. That amount has increased dramatically.

In just the last segment I explained how much reading the Bible helps, and it does. It gives comfort. It gives courage. It reminds me that everything will work out. It might not work out the way I wanted, but it will work out for our ultimate good.

Did it all work out?

The only honest answer I can give is I don’t know. I’ll talk about the fallout from that MRI in the next segment. I felt this moment was the right moment to end on because I felt like I was on a high that whole day. To help readers better understand that moment and those that followed, I feel it’s best to relay them as I experienced them.

Why this turn in my mom’s health?

I don’t and can’t pretend to know God’s will or his plan. I have my feelings on the matter, but I’m trusting my heart in combination with the scripture and some discussion with my religious mentors (so to speak).

I do feel it was a chance for me to display my faith.  When we suffer, when we’re tempted, or when we’re in pain, we demonstrate our faith and trust in God by enduring and praising him. It’s not the same as not feeling sad.  I was so stunned I went to autopilot, but I’m immensely proud of what that automatic function did. I didn’t turn to sin. I did consider working like it was any other day, but it felt right putting all of my focus on God.

I’m still asking myself if that shouldn’t be how I handle every day. There’s a distinction between “living for God” and “reading or watching the Bible all day.”  Don’t get me wrong! Reading the Bible all day is a fantastic use of a day. But all my study of the Bible makes it clear that, while we’re supposed to live a life to glorify God, that doesn’t mean we should hold up in the house and just read chapter after chapter.  We have things to do! God has a plan and directions for us all. The most important of which is to testify. Hence this testimony.

If we’re following the basic tenets of God’s will as established in scripture (which I’ll explain in due time), his larger or more detailed plan will become more clear to us. At this moment, I’m leading toward this thought: Live for God. Make sure everything you do is done to glorify him. Again, as a saved Christian trying to live as I should, my life should change to model myself as closely to Jesus as is humanly possible. What I do, the minutia of it, is less important if I’m doing it for God. One should fill his spirit with scripture. One should do much more than that as well. At that moment, I was spiritually drained, so I opted to fill my spirit back up with the scripture. I stabbed my Sword of the Spirt into my doubt and fear and watched as it eliminated those targets, at least for a day.

If you have other questions regarding my faith or thoughts or actions at this point, feel free to ask, and I’ll add them to the blog.  I try to ensure these passages are self reflective. My chaplain told me to take this opportunity to look at myself, but at the moment, those were the only real thoughts going through my mind. Questions might help me remember other thoughts or parts of The Bible I’d overlooked while typing this post.

Thanks for reading

Matt